Houston:Year One

It's official! I survived my first year in H-Town with it's fair share of excitingly hilarious moments of course. {Why do I not have my own TV show yet? Seriously, MTV...I see the crap you air! I'm adorable & comedic...double win!} 

This first year has come with it's fair share of road bumps, pit stops, and detours. But honestly, I could not be more thankful for it. It's caused some major soul searching, caused me to find my footing in my faith once again, major progress in my career path, and a premature quarter life crisis or two. I've been hit on by bums, lost in the Third Ward, broken more traffic laws downtown than I can count, spent a majority of my time in traffic, and been cussed at in more languages than I realized existed. 

If this last year has taught me anything though it would be this:

I am a strong and confident woman who is not nearly as independent as I like to lead on...however I am becoming more and more independent as we speak. After a year of not having friends in the same city as me to do things with, I have found myself at coffee shops, restaurants, going shopping, and the park alone more often than not. A year ago, this would have sent me into an anxiety attack, but now it's slightly empowering and zen. 

I have begun to find myself in my faith again also. After drifting so far from where I once had been as a Christian, I have now made it a daily routine of doing my devotional and spending time with Jesus...just He and I. It's so uplifting and makes my days much easier to deal with. Prayer comes much more naturally and freely then it did a year ago, Christian music doesn't cheesy and corny anymore, and I find strength in scripture. I've always been really open in my walk with Jesus; though I am not where I once was in my walk, I am much further along than I was this time last year.

Depression and Anxiety still come knocking on my door from time to time, but I am not as vulnerable to their charm as I once was. While some sick part of me is still attracted to those condescending assholes and occasionally I let them in to rule my life, I deal with them in much healthier ways then I have in the past. A bottle of wine is not downed on the regular any longer. Long walks in the park, play time with Tarly, and mini pep talks, keep me much more sane and normal feeling then I've felt in a long time. 

Houston drivers can kiss my ass. I thought Temple was bad...I'd take Temple drivers any day over the dirt bags here. That is really all I have to say about that.

You can't live here and not be a foodie. There is some unwritten law here that you MUST be a foodie to live here. And while you will never hear me complain about eating, trying new foods still terrifies me, but I'm getting better.

Bums are scarier then I ever realized from my two trips to Chicago. They will bang on your car for your attention. They will shout crude, repulsive things at you for not carrying cash/change on you. And they are not afraid to ask you out to dinner even when they are in desperate need of a shower and have no money. They are FEARLESS. And I...I am fearful!

God has a mighty plan for my career when He placed it in our hearts to move here last year. If I had stayed in Central Texas, I would still be a lowly GM partner. However I am fresh out of SORM, in a bad ass store that does killer volume, and it's looking like I'll be promoting again before summer arrives. I am so incredibly thankful for this opportunity. 2 years ago, I would have never guessed I would be planning to work for HEB forever, but I am hella proud to be working for this kick ass company. HOW LUCKY AM I?!

And lastly I learned that happiness is completely relative, but finding joy is the truth gift in life. I am joyful daily, however there are days that I much choose happiness over being a crazy bitch {which we are all aware that crazy bitch comes naturally for me}. This last year has been incredible and stressful but one of the best so far. We are quickly approaching 2016 and year 25 for me, and I have the best feeling in the world that it's going to be my best year yet. Lots of exciting things coming in my second year in this mess of a city.

-XOXO

An Open Letter to Nick

Every girl has a best guy friend like Nick at least once in her 20s. He's the guy who is always there for her, loves her unconditionally, supports her, encourages her, appreciates her for the dime she is, and is completely honest with her when no one else has the courage to be. Somehow she disappoints him, pushes him away, and ultimately loses him. This is for all of the under appreciated Nicks of the world...we are sorry we let love get in the way of our friendship. 

Dearest Nick,

I know what you are thinking...why after all of these years am I reaching out to you? Well truth be told, I wish I would have had the courage to reach out to you long ago. I have very few regrets in my life, but one of them is definitely not trusting you more, not heeding your words of advice, and ultimately pushing you away. 

I hope you are well. I'm sure you already know, the bets were there for years, but that relationship you warned me not to return to ended...in an explosion with fire and flames just as you had promised me it would. You were one of the best friends I could have asked for. You realized what a catch I was long before I ever could. 

I know this doesn't mean much now, but you gave me the courage to stand up for myself. You would be so proud what I've accomplished the last few years. I'm no longer hidden in a little shell waiting for someone to bust me out. I'm a firecracker! 

I miss our famous talks about anything and everything, our long drives to the middle of nowhere without a GPS, and our mutual love for the same music while singing at the top of our lungs together. 

I am so sorry things turned out the way they did for us. I'd give anything to turn back the hands of time and do everything a little differently. At least if we had lost touch then I wouldn't feel guilty for choosing a boyfriend over a friend. 

Nick, you are an absolute gem, and anyone would be lucky to have you as their friend. I never got to thank you for all of the support you provided for me during our friendship, all the laughs we shared when the whole room knew I wanted to cry, and the encouraging words you lent when I was a hotmess. It's silly how in life we can let one little disagreement be the deciding factor on a relationship. If only I had known then what I know now. I hope if we ever meet on the streets again, you will greet me with one of those awesome bear hugs. 

Until Next Time, My Long Lost Friend. 

-XOXO

10 Things That Make Our Relationship Work

I don't have relationships figured out. No one does actually. Whaaaaat?! I know shocker. I hate to ruin that for all you, but someone needed to. There's no scientific formula to making a relationship work. There are obviously right and wrong ways to go about it, but even that is different from relationship to relationship. But here are my top 10 ways MY relationship work, in no particular order:

1. We say mean things to each other on occasion. You are probably thinking I'm crazy, but it's truth. Occasionally we get so mad at each other that we can't bottle it in anymore and we just say it. We don't run to other people talking crap about one another, and THAT is what saves our relationship. We know that when we say those mean things to one another, we are only saying it to each other. We immediately forgive and forget. We don't do it regularly, but every few months...we have a vent sesh and then everything is good again. 

2. We always tell each other we love each other before we go to sleep and when we wake up. I know this seems simple and obvious, but you take for granted small things like that. And when you have chaotic schedules like ours, it makes the long, difficult days a little easier to deal with. 

3. We never go to bed mad or sleep separately. It amazes me how many couples I hear say they went to bed mad at each other and/or slept separately from each other because of a disagreement. I can't think of a single time in our relationship where we have gone to bed upset with each other or not slept in the same bed after an argument. Believe me I have moments where I want to tell Justin to sleep on the couch, but I don't have that right. Our bed and our room is sacred, and we keep it that way by sorting out differences out after every disagreement. 

4. We enjoy time apart from each other. When we lived in Temple in our 3 bedroom house, it was much easier to find time and the space to have alone time. Living in our 630 square foot apartment, proved to make that task difficult at times, but we manage. I believe being selfish with our alone time once or twice a week is necessary for our relationship to work. I love Justin with all of my heart, but I cannot watch TV or play video games all day and as much as I enjoy his friends...they aren't mine. It's been an unspoken requirement for the two of us since day one to have hobbies outside of our relationship. We don't ask permission to go hang out with our friends, we just inform each other and go. 

5. On the flip side, we make time for one another. With both of us working retail, we sometimes go several days only seeing each other for just a few minutes a day or while each other is sleeping. We make an effort each week to spend at least an hour together. That means no video games, no work, no friends, limited phone time. Just the two of us and Tarly. Even if it's just watching a TV show or movie together, running to the grocery store, or going for a walk...we make the time. It's important to not take our time together for granted. 

6. We have fun! I feel like couples forget to have fun these days. With times being hard, work being entirely too important to most people, and media/entertainment in the comfort of your home taking over...we forget what fun actually looks like. We LOVE exploring and museums. We try at least once a month to go do something new in Houston. Laughing and joking around makes those silly fights we have totally worth it. 

7. We are honest with each other. Women...WE ARE PSYCHOS! There I said it. Get over yourselves. If you ask your man if you are fat or even dare to call yourself fat in front of him, don't get mad if gets honest with you and agrees. I hate that men feel like they can't be honest with women. I ask Justin if I look like I gained weight or if I look fat in an outfit, and he tells me the truth, I respect it, and if I get mad, it's at myself for allowing that to happen. And on the same level, I'm totally honest with Justin...when we started dating and he was gaining weight, I told him. And when his beard started looking gross and it was time to shave, I told him. It makes our bond stronger!

8. We support each other. This looks a couple different ways in our relationship. There is the side where we support each other's goals and dreams. We encourage one another daily to go after those and we have each other's back when it comes to actually grasping them. And there is the emotional side. We have bother been through a lot of shit through the years...Justin as a marine and myself, well, my life is just one giant mess. This is a little more difficult for me at times. I grew up being a very nurturing person and there have been times in our relationship when I've just wanted to hold Justin while he hurt, but I've had to learn to support him by reminding him I love him, patting him on the back, and giving him his space. And then when I've needed emotional support, it hasn't always looked the way, I'd hoped. Justin hugs me, loves me, and gives me my space and sometimes, I want someone to be emotional with me, but I'm learning. 

9.  We aren't rushing the future. I've found my soulmate, the one my heart desire and soul longs for. But that does not mean, I'm rushing to the alter. We are in no hurry to get hitched, and we are okay with that. It's a running joke between us that we are committed roommates. And honestly, I wouldn't want to be anyone else's committed roommate. We are just enjoying the moment we are in, and no wasting time planning out every step of our future. I love...LOVE...this right now and I see no reason to go any faster to the courthouse than necessary. 

10. We critique each other constantly. What it really comes down to is we are judgmental people and instead of taking our rath out on others constantly, we use it with each other. We are harsh and real with each other, but it only turns the heat up on our relationship more, I think. 

Remember I am NOT claiming these things will work in your relationship, but these are things that work in ours. They make our relationship one of a kind, enjoyable, and crazy. We love it!!! 

-XOXO

I Don't Recognize Me Anymore

Migraines, migraines...GO AWAY! You are ruining my life!! I am on my second round of prescription medicines now and still getting no relief. I had tests ran on Thursday. My EKG came back clear, and I will get my blood work results back sometime this coming week. My next step will be to go to a neurologist which has me a little antsy as you can imagine. The discussion between my doctor and I has already happened about going back on anti-depressants (apparently they my be able to bring me relief), but I asked her for that to be an absolute last option seeing as how I've already been on them and weened myself off. I am a much different person than I was a year ago...heck 4 months ago. 

Our move to Houston in October was seriously the best thing that could have happened to me. I cringe at what would have happened to me had we stayed in Central Texas. My mental health was declining rapidly, I was making more enemies than friends, I had lost hope and my sense of worth, I barely slept, my daily commute from Temple to Waco was wearing on me, I was unbearably negative, and I was mangling my relationship. I was no longer living life recklessly, but I wouldn't really call what I was doing as living either...I was more or less going through the motions. Moving to Houston not only saved my relationship with Justin, but very possibly saved my life too.

I think Justin and my family worry because I have not made much effort into making friends since the move, and I destroyed most of the ones I had before. Other than my HEB friends from Waco 1, I can count on 1 hand the amount of close friends I have left, most of which are male (not that this surprises anyone...I've never had a surplus of female friends). This doesn't bother me like it would have before though. As sad as this might sound, at 24 years old, I have decided that I don't need anymore people in my life that will bring drama to it, aid in my own self-hate, or encourage my negativity. I've always seemed to attract the same type of a girl as a friend...the girl in a terrible relationship that she thinks is perfect, constantly fights with her other girlfriends or has ridiculous amounts of family drama, doesn't really know where her life is headed, and is unbearably emotional. I've always been the one taking care of my friends and being "little momma" to everyone and never giving myself time alone, to heal from all the crap I've gone through over the years, or time to be a kid/teenager/young adult. I've been 30 since the day Dana was born. My rebellion stage lasted all of 2 months after my breakup when I was 22, and then a friend needed me so I was back to real life. So it was only natural that I have my midlife crisis at 23, right?!

I am so happy now. And not that fake shit that I was passing off as happy to everyone around me until I got home behind a closed door when Justin was at work and drink until the bottle was empty. Nope....I am glowing, laugh all the time, almost always have a smile on my face happy. I LOVE life. I...we...rarely ever drink anymore. Occasionally we go out to dinner and have a drink. Even more occasionally, we meet friends at the bar for a couple of drinks. And once every 3 or 4 months, we might actually go out-go out and let loose. Neither of us just really find fun in getting plastered every single night anymore, and we both enjoy it a little more when we can remember it. Plus, our relationship is so much healthier since we stopped getting hammered on the regs. I enjoy living life with Justin and going on adventures with him and trying to survive the big city. It's a rush!

I'm not overly obsessing about my future anymore. I could not be happier with my life right now. I'm not married and feeling the pressure of getting pregnant. I don't have kids and trying to figure how to not screw them up like me. Justin and I get asked regularly when we are getting married, and I laugh. We just got a dog together and that is about all of the commitment I can handle right now. I love this man with all of my heart, and I know one day he will make me the luckiest girl in the world when he gets down on his knee and asks for my hand, but right now...I'm still trying to recover my life from the wrecking ball I decided to let through it the first half of my 20's. I am so thankful I dodged the bullet of getting engaged at 22 when I decided to leave Tyler. I was so obsessed with the wedding aspect that I don't think the actual idea of marriage ever crossed my mind. He was just the first guy to ever tell me exactly what I wanted to hear. We were so young...and DUMB...very, very dumb. 

I have restored my faith in Christ. I sent an atomic bomb into that relationship just before leaving Tyler and left it unrecognizable. And it sat there, unrecognizable, for over a year and a half. I attempted a few times to pick up the Bible and put the pieces together, but every time I did...I found myself replaying why I blew it up in the first place. It was so difficult for me to rebuild that relationship when there were so many hands in the mix helping blow it to shreds. Looking back now, I see that the moments I was most lost and in the darkest places where the moments when I was pushing God away and denying His help that hardest. Every day is a journey to continue refocusing my faith and renewing my trust in Him, but I am closer than I have been in years.

Until recently, I've looked at the last 3 years as a nightmare-ish, blurry hell. Now I look at it as a blessing. I would not be where I am and who I am right now with out all the crap. I can't imagine having to relive any of that, but I can't imagine not having gone through it either. I have truly been blessed. Thank God, I don't recognize the girl I was anymore.

-XOXO

I am Stronger, Thanks to You

I am supposed to be cleaning my kitchen, doing laundry, and packing bags to head home to Waco for the weekend as soon as Justin gets off work at 11 tomorrow. But instead I find myself, longing to post a blog. I think I need to put this out there because I think over the last couple of years by being and not wanting to put anyone on blast, I have put a person on blast not meaning to. I read a blog tonight about a girl thanking the girl who her boyfriend cheated with. It honestly brought me nearly to tears. This girl said everything that I never found the strength or courage to say. Here is my follow up to her article:

So I don't know, and I never will, nor do I care at this point, 100% that I was ever ACTUALLY cheated on, but here is what I do know...things happened in my last relationship that were super freaking shady and I was made to feel over and over again for 3 years that I was being cheated on. A girl should never feel this way while in a relationship.

If you are in a relationship, you can't disappear off to a guys weekend at a school that is well known in Texas for their ragers and "Raider Rash" and not expect a couple texts or even a phone call. Call me crazy, but that just ain't going to fly with me. And when this does happen, you cannot come home talking about how drunk you got, that you blacked out, and all the girls you hung out with. No, sorry, that will make any sane girl go crazy.
Once you are in a relationship, the whole Mr. Nice Guy act has to cease to exist with other femles. You cannot go around calling other girls gorgeous and asking them about their relationship status. That is not okay. On any level.
And lastly, you can't opt in and out of your relationship whenever is convenient for you because I won't always be there waiting.

It has taken me two years to overcome some serious anger, grief, jealously, and revenge plotting, but I can finally openly discuss the above topics (and many more that are unmentioned) with out getting super pissed. Now I know I've been with Justin for about 2 years so you're probably wondering why it would take me so long to get over. Here's the thing, I am over the man who made me feel little, used, neglected, ugly, unworthy, and insane. What I wasn't over is the effects of all of those things. I've had scars and been carrying luggage around with me for that long. Do you know what kind of toll that amount of weight takes on a girl? You can't begin to imagine unless you've been there too. I've been incredibly blessed with a man who was patient while I worked through all of my emotions, mended myself, broke out of my loony cage a time or two, and stood beside me as my friend through all countless tears for those dark years.



I doubt my ex will ever read this, but in case he does...this is for him:
I am no longer angry with you nor do I hold a grudge. I spent months plotting my revenge against you, just to decide that wasn't good enough, and wind up back at the drawing boards; But that too, no longer exists. At one point, I felt sorry for you, but now...now there are no feelings at all. It was a rocky start when I ultimately decided to leave you. I took me months to finally follow through and stop pleading for you to love me when you couldn't love me all of the time. I don't ever doubt you loved me...that I know you did. What I do doubt is that you loved me 100% of the time the whole time we were together. By the time I convinced myself it was ultimately time to walk away, I think I had finally gotten through to you what I needed, but it unfortunately was too late. Let me reassure you, because I remember the rumors that flared up shortly after we ended, I never cheated on you. Sure, things looked shady from the outside looking in after we ended and yes, the last month and a half of our relationship I was typically nowhere to found, but I did nothing I couldn't look you in the eyes today and share with you.
I do need to thank you however...Thank you for being the first guy I loved and for being the first guy to truly break my heart. Thank you for breaking me so badly that I had no choice other then to roll over and stay or gain courage and walk away. Thank you for showing me that I deserve much more than settling for a guy who doesn't realize I'm a damn princess until its too late. Thank you for showing me how to rebel...those 2 months after our breakup were insane, I have no clue how you did it for so many years.
And here are my last words to you...Congratulations on turning your life around. You dodged a huge bullet when your past didn't catch up to you. I hope you find another princess one day, you recognize her worth, and you value her worth for the long haul...not just for a few months. I pray you become the man of God I know you've always desired to be. And I hope you found whatever it was you were looking for during all those years of rebelling, and I really hope it was worth all the shit we all went through with you. And lastly, I hope you ever see me on the street one day, we can all be adult enough to at least shake hands and wish each other well.


-XOXO

Fighting the Good Fight

HOLY FLYING PIGS!!! I am ALIVE! I finished grand opening my second HEB, and I am exhausted! But I survived and loved every minute of it. But now it's time to focus on myself, my little family, my business, and my home again. And you know how I know it's time to focus on me again? Because I found myself, on my knees, crying...bawling, pleading to God the other night. I allowed the stress of trying to balance my job, my business, my house, my dog, Justin, my family, and the world in general get in the way of my mental health. 

I don't say this nearly enough, but I am so thankful that I am able to find refuge in the kindest soul I have ever met day in and day out with the man that lays beside me every night. Living with me is not easy. And I know this because I have to live inside my head...which is more difficult. I fight the fight daily to stay sane, to be positive, to find motivation, to love, to get out of bed, to not binge, and to be the best boss, coach, girlfriend, mom, sister, and daughter I can be. I am so blessed to have so many patient and loving people around me.

However, none of this prosperity has come with out it's losses. If you've been reading my blog long, you know that I bid farewell last fall to 3 very special women in my life all because I had too much pride to admit I was wrong and I was in a really, really, really bad place in my life. This past week, I finally gained the strength and courage to apologize to the one I miss the most. While my heartfelt apology is still coming to the other two, I really felt God pulling me to apologize to M first and foremost. 

I swear I will never find another female who knows my soul the way she does. From the first time we met (tweeted one another), it was destiny. And then I let her down last summer when I failed to be a friend to anyone other than myself. The show was about me and me only. And I didn't have time for the show to be about anyone else. So unless the conversation was about me, I was completely checked out. I hurt my friends which lead me to losing them. Had I woken up then, I probably could have salvaged my relationship with the entire group. However we are 7 months down the road, and I am fairly certain that there is nothing left to salvage. My heart aches over this, but I realize I was 98% of the problem and can blame no one other than myself. 

If any of you 3 are reading this, know that I truly, from the deepest part of my heart, am sorry for the pain I caused, the negativity I brought forth, the horrible things I said, and the self indulgence I committed. I will always cherish you.

I'm going to go cuddle with that adorable pup of mine, drink some hot tea, and enjoy the peace while Justin is away for the weekend.

-XOXO  

I Got Old

So I have been 24 all of 5 days, and I have already formed an opinion on how I feel about it.

I'm nearly half way to 50. The grey hairs and wrinkles could show up any day now. 24 used to be something to look forward to when insurance price would drop, but now what do I have to look forward to? More credit card companies and spam contacting me. I got an email about my retirement plan...ON MY BIRTHDAY!! The looming guilt of not being close to finishing school yet. The ever prevalent question that Justin and I enjoy so much, "When are you going to settle down and have a family?" NEVER!! Is what I want to shout, but I just giggle the ridiculous question off and move on to the next subject..."Have you gained weight?" That's me in 26 years...

Because obviously I rule.

I also have a new skincare and vitamin regimen to look forward to prevent old age and keep me looking young. I refuse to have wrinkles. I think I'll start dying my hair now so no one can catch my grey hairs when they decide to arrive.

And then there is Justin turning 30 in 2 weeks. I'm looking forward to it only because he gets to go through everything first. At the same time, him turning 30 means, I'm next. UGH!!!

Obviously! DUH!

Here's the difference between 23 and 24 though...I am in control of my life from day 1. So if 24 sucks, I have no one to blame but me. However, I'm not going to let this new year suck. I'm determined to live it to the fullest, enjoy every precious moment, drink less, remember more, love stronger, treat my body better, work harder, and meet everyone of my goals no matter what it takes. I was out of control at 22 & 23 which was understandable considering I'd been a goody-goody my entire life. At 24, I have no reason to still be rebelling and acting a fool all of the time, but it also doesn't mean I can't have fun every once in awhile.

Perfectly said!!

While my over-analyzing self is hating 24, I'm going to make it a year to remember. 24 is the age I kick some ass! Bring it!!

-XOXO