My Soul Search

So as many know I've been blogging for years. Most of my blogs have been deleted for one reason or another, but I have 2 blogs that I have kept active even though a no longer blog from them. One of them is titled My Soul Search. If you've read that blog and believed 90% of what I had to say, I apologize. I just went back and retread a few posts before getting very upset with myself for a few reasons.

I don't know if I was truly that naive about my life at one point in time or just that stupid or if I was just lying my ass off about how perfect everything was. What I can tell you is that nothing was as I made it seem. My relationship with Tyler was a bust. I loved him very, very much, but I also made him sound like the most Godly, perfect man that has ever blessed me with their presence and that was not true. I'm not going to sit here and bad mouth him....I have much more class then that...but I will say there was a lot of lying, deceit, and lack of care on his part.

My relationship with my family has not always been rainbows or butterflies either. Everyone knows about my shitty relationship with my dad, but what I never talk about is my struggles with my mom and sister. Although I have learned this is one of those things better kept behind closed doors. Relationships of any degree are a struggle. As humans we have a tendency of pissing people off sometimes. That's life.

I also would blog about my walk as a Christian almost constantly. Now I don't know that I was faking my faith, as much as it was almost forced. I was raised Southern Baptist. My mom taught Sunday school and I was at church every Sunday morning, night, and Wednesday night. When I graduated high school I bounced around from church to church trying to find a place where I felt like I belonged. I never really found that place on a Sunday morning. And I was too busy sinning with my boyfriend to really put forth much effort in doing so. I found a Bible study group where I really felt connected with everyone...looking back I think it's because none of us were being completely honest with ourselves, one another, or God. We all had secrets that we were looking to run from and this was our place of hiding. Amongst other sinners. Between the group and my boyfriend's family I felt that I needed to constantly talk about my faith. 

It's been around 2 years since I last blogged there, and I can tell you after struggling to find myself in Christ for the last year and half, I might have the best grasp on my faith then what I've ever had. My break up did some catastrophic damage to my walk, mostly because he and I lied a lot about going to church, holding each other accountable, and we were extremely immoral. Justin and I challenge each other in our walks in different ways. And I don't feel like I need to be preaching to the world constantly anymore. I have matured so much in my faith and as an adult to know that I don't have to pretend to me someone I'm not comfortable being. So I'll remain faithful to God while not acting like I'm perfect. This last year and a half has been my biggest feat and the greatest soul search I could ever ask for. However none of that would have been possible without my biggest supporter by my side. I am so blessed to have an incredible man by my side who makes me want to be better today then I was yesterday and helps me understand that it's okay that I'm not perfect. 

So the soul search continues...but it's more honest and valid then it was before. 

-XOXO