The Lies I Hide Behind

Of all the people who know me personally, have met me a couple of times, or have just seen me in passing...I can pretty much guarantee about 90% of those people think I am a completely normal, well adjusted 20-something. If that 90% only knew what the other 10 % does, they'd be shocked, maybe even a little horrified. I hide behind walls upon walls of lies. Most people always see with a smile on my face, seconds away from laughter, and extremely positive.

Truth be told, I'm almost always moments away from being a basket case of tears, I smile and laugh to hide the pain in my eyes, and I can fake being positive like nobody's business. I remember my senior year realizing something was wrong with me, my brain didn't function the way I thought it should, but not truly understanding what was wrong with me. Three years ago, I finally admitted to battling depression after developing anxiety. I promised my family I would seek help, but I never did. I was terrified of what the doctors might tell me considering around that same time my dad was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder. My ex-boyfriend's family didn't really understand depression. They took it as that person did not have enough faith in God or did not pray enough so I never spoke a word of my inner-demons in fear of their disapproval.

A year and a half ago, I thought I'd finally defeated my battle. However, in January my depression came back into full swing. I've worked so hard since then to appear as normal as possible to everyone around me. Lately even that has become more than I can handle at times. I am flawed, bitter, and emotional. I find myself starting arguments with Justin for no reason, I cry at the most inconvenient times, and I barely sleep. I thank God that Justin has been so patient and loving. He has loved me through the pain, tears, and self-loathe. As I continue to pretend to be normal, I am finally seeking the help I should have sought after years ago with the encouragement of my amazing friends and boyfriend.

-XOXO