This is Me; No Apologies

I've been looking for the words for this post for a couple of days now. This may be a random jumble of my thoughts, but I need to put it out there. So here it goes...
2 days ago I finally found the strength I had been so desperately lacking. I can't remember the last time I didn't take any crap from people. I typically just bend over, get the butt whoopin' I think I seem to deserve, apologize, do my best to fix things (whether they are my fault or not), and move on like nothing happened. Well I'm done living that life. I know in the Bible it says to turn the other cheek, but after 23 years of doing just that, I am a bitter, battered, overly-apologetic, mess of a human being who is constantly used, abused, and put down by other. Well no more, I say!

Last week started a series of events between some friends and I that would ultimately end in the destruction of our friendship. While I am heartbroken that this happened, I am not sad, and I have already moved on. I'm not going to go into detail of what happened because I'm sure it will stir a pot that I don't care to be involved in any longer. I will say this...after spending a week apologizing, trying to make things right, and struggle to make a friendship work that was obviously already over, I finally got the nerve to tell my "best friend" that we were no more. I should have told the other girls the same, but at that point, I no longer cared.

Last week, I published a post that I believed in completely and I knew would offend and upset some people. However, when these friends were offended and upset, I deleted the blog, took the bashing, had a horrible attempt at defending myself, before ultimately apologizing. My biggest regret from all of that...deleting that post. It meant a lot to me. I wanted people to know I was offended by their snide comments and how I truly feel about depression and suicide, but in order to make everyone happy...I deleted it.

Friendships are fragile and require constant work, but they should not be so difficult to maintain. If you require constant validation and attention in our friendship, I am sorry but I do not have time for you. I don't have children for a reason...I do not have time for constant love, care, validation, and attention. Friendship should not be convenient, but it also should not be a requirement to know every move each person makes. If I need to disappear for a few weeks and pick up where we last left off then that should be okay. And if you do not want to deal with drama, do not put yourself in a position of drama. If you don't want to be involved in "he-said, she-said," then you probably shouldn't have opened your mouth about a few things.

Moral of this story...from here on out I will stick up and defend myself. Apologies are a thing of the past. I will not apologize for who I am, and I will not change myself to be liked. I have a heart of gold until you anger me, and then may God be on your side. I will also NEVER EVER EVER again delete a blog because it has offended someone. I started this blog for ME! Writing is my release. It allows me to get things out that I have no other way of getting out, and it also allows my true personality to show. So if you have a problem with anything I write, leave a comment, or keep it to yourself, but I will no longer be responding to negativity or criticism. This is who I am. And I am unapologetic for that.

XOXO