Our move to Houston in October was seriously the best thing that could have happened to me. I cringe at what would have happened to me had we stayed in Central Texas. My mental health was declining rapidly, I was making more enemies than friends, I had lost hope and my sense of worth, I barely slept, my daily commute from Temple to Waco was wearing on me, I was unbearably negative, and I was mangling my relationship. I was no longer living life recklessly, but I wouldn't really call what I was doing as living either...I was more or less going through the motions. Moving to Houston not only saved my relationship with Justin, but very possibly saved my life too.
I think Justin and my family worry because I have not made much effort into making friends since the move, and I destroyed most of the ones I had before. Other than my HEB friends from Waco 1, I can count on 1 hand the amount of close friends I have left, most of which are male (not that this surprises anyone...I've never had a surplus of female friends). This doesn't bother me like it would have before though. As sad as this might sound, at 24 years old, I have decided that I don't need anymore people in my life that will bring drama to it, aid in my own self-hate, or encourage my negativity. I've always seemed to attract the same type of a girl as a friend...the girl in a terrible relationship that she thinks is perfect, constantly fights with her other girlfriends or has ridiculous amounts of family drama, doesn't really know where her life is headed, and is unbearably emotional. I've always been the one taking care of my friends and being "little momma" to everyone and never giving myself time alone, to heal from all the crap I've gone through over the years, or time to be a kid/teenager/young adult. I've been 30 since the day Dana was born. My rebellion stage lasted all of 2 months after my breakup when I was 22, and then a friend needed me so I was back to real life. So it was only natural that I have my midlife crisis at 23, right?!
I am so happy now. And not that fake shit that I was passing off as happy to everyone around me until I got home behind a closed door when Justin was at work and drink until the bottle was empty. Nope....I am glowing, laugh all the time, almost always have a smile on my face happy. I LOVE life. I...we...rarely ever drink anymore. Occasionally we go out to dinner and have a drink. Even more occasionally, we meet friends at the bar for a couple of drinks. And once every 3 or 4 months, we might actually go out-go out and let loose. Neither of us just really find fun in getting plastered every single night anymore, and we both enjoy it a little more when we can remember it. Plus, our relationship is so much healthier since we stopped getting hammered on the regs. I enjoy living life with Justin and going on adventures with him and trying to survive the big city. It's a rush!
I'm not overly obsessing about my future anymore. I could not be happier with my life right now. I'm not married and feeling the pressure of getting pregnant. I don't have kids and trying to figure how to not screw them up like me. Justin and I get asked regularly when we are getting married, and I laugh. We just got a dog together and that is about all of the commitment I can handle right now. I love this man with all of my heart, and I know one day he will make me the luckiest girl in the world when he gets down on his knee and asks for my hand, but right now...I'm still trying to recover my life from the wrecking ball I decided to let through it the first half of my 20's. I am so thankful I dodged the bullet of getting engaged at 22 when I decided to leave Tyler. I was so obsessed with the wedding aspect that I don't think the actual idea of marriage ever crossed my mind. He was just the first guy to ever tell me exactly what I wanted to hear. We were so young...and DUMB...very, very dumb.
I have restored my faith in Christ. I sent an atomic bomb into that relationship just before leaving Tyler and left it unrecognizable. And it sat there, unrecognizable, for over a year and a half. I attempted a few times to pick up the Bible and put the pieces together, but every time I did...I found myself replaying why I blew it up in the first place. It was so difficult for me to rebuild that relationship when there were so many hands in the mix helping blow it to shreds. Looking back now, I see that the moments I was most lost and in the darkest places where the moments when I was pushing God away and denying His help that hardest. Every day is a journey to continue refocusing my faith and renewing my trust in Him, but I am closer than I have been in years.
Until recently, I've looked at the last 3 years as a nightmare-ish, blurry hell. Now I look at it as a blessing. I would not be where I am and who I am right now with out all the crap. I can't imagine having to relive any of that, but I can't imagine not having gone through it either. I have truly been blessed. Thank God, I don't recognize the girl I was anymore.
-XOXO
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