The Lies I Hide Behind

Of all the people who know me personally, have met me a couple of times, or have just seen me in passing...I can pretty much guarantee about 90% of those people think I am a completely normal, well adjusted 20-something. If that 90% only knew what the other 10 % does, they'd be shocked, maybe even a little horrified. I hide behind walls upon walls of lies. Most people always see with a smile on my face, seconds away from laughter, and extremely positive.

Truth be told, I'm almost always moments away from being a basket case of tears, I smile and laugh to hide the pain in my eyes, and I can fake being positive like nobody's business. I remember my senior year realizing something was wrong with me, my brain didn't function the way I thought it should, but not truly understanding what was wrong with me. Three years ago, I finally admitted to battling depression after developing anxiety. I promised my family I would seek help, but I never did. I was terrified of what the doctors might tell me considering around that same time my dad was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder. My ex-boyfriend's family didn't really understand depression. They took it as that person did not have enough faith in God or did not pray enough so I never spoke a word of my inner-demons in fear of their disapproval.

A year and a half ago, I thought I'd finally defeated my battle. However, in January my depression came back into full swing. I've worked so hard since then to appear as normal as possible to everyone around me. Lately even that has become more than I can handle at times. I am flawed, bitter, and emotional. I find myself starting arguments with Justin for no reason, I cry at the most inconvenient times, and I barely sleep. I thank God that Justin has been so patient and loving. He has loved me through the pain, tears, and self-loathe. As I continue to pretend to be normal, I am finally seeking the help I should have sought after years ago with the encouragement of my amazing friends and boyfriend.

-XOXO

The Birthday Princess's Ultimate Wish List

In honor of my birthday swiftly approaching (in 10 days), I decided to make my wish list. Like every other female on the planet, I am addicted to Pinterest and rightfully so. I have pinned all kinds of ridiculous stuff so it's hard for someone to sift through the stuff I actually want and the things that I just think are cool.

This is my wish list/list of items every 20-something female needs in her life:

1. I run my own business (click here to check out my website), and the need to stay organized is a must between work, my business, this blog, school in the fall, Tarley's appointments, Justin's schedule and appointments, and finding brief moments for myself to remain sane. I have been on a quest for a few years now to find the ultimate planner to the point that I got on the computer and attempted designing my own...that didn't work out so well. I happened across Erin Condren and instantly fell in love. After I decided I was going to cough up the $65 or so for this planner one of my Y-sisters posted about it too. Naturally I commented on her feed to see what she had to say about the planners. One of her friends told us to check out Plum Paper on Etsy because it was cheaper and a better selection and you could do add ons. I am all in for cheaper so when I went to check out these planners, I died! I can add pages for my business, blog planning, extra notes pages, and more. Plus the designs are adorable, and I can have it monogrammed!! Obviously this is a must, and they are half the price of the Erin Condren even once I started adding stuff.

Plum Paper 2015 Planner $31

2. Every girl needs a Little Black Dress. I have one hanging in my closet that I adore. It's slim fitting, the perfect length (which is hard to find for a short girl like myself), and has pockets. However in recent years, this slim fitting steal from Target no longer flatters my once athletic body the way it once did. I think I found the perfect LBD for almost any body type though.

Found on Pinterest with no website info, but its to die for regardless.

3. We are all aspiring Trophy House Wives, and every Trophy House Wife needs the most adorable measuring cups ever. These Mason Jar Measuring Cups are a must, especially for all of us Southern Belles.

You can get these Mason Jar Measuring cups here for just $12.99.

4. Since I could remember I've wanted a handgun. I actually remember being more excited about turning 21 so I could get my CHL and purchase my first gun than I was about being of legal age to drink. I've had my eyes on this babe for awhile. A 9mm is the perfect size and weight to toss in a purse when on the go for the extra protection (side note: please don't toss)! And for a small lady like myself, the Ruger LC9 fits like a glove in my hand. If you are lucky enough to know a guy who works at Academy that can give you the 3point5 hookup like myself, you should buy him dinner...or date him.

This Ruger LC9 is available for purchase at Academy Sports & Outdoors for $409.99.

5. Speaking of guns...who doesn't want a hairdryer shaped like a Magnum Revolver?! We all need a hairdryer so get the most adorable one you can find.

This particular one has already been sold from Etsy, but I guarantee you can find more if you search hard enough.

6. A MK bag is a must in every girl's purse collection. While a classic Michael Kors is on all of our lists, I think the Kempton Nylon Tote is a must for any busy girl because it's easy to clean. I found a style on Macy's website that I absolutely love that is not available on the MK website, but any of the nylon tote collections are worth the splurge.

Currently on sale at Macy's for $95.99...originally $128.

7. Nude heels are a must in any sophisticated lady's wardrobe because you can do so much with them. I am super picky when it comes to the material on my heels though because I hate that patent leather look...so cheap. Steve Madden is my man when I am looking for a good pair heels though. He just knows what I like, I guess.

These were pinned from Piperlime.

8. Living in Houston now, I have found the necessity of a rain jacket. Do you know how difficult it is to find a rain jacket with a hood that isn't a kids though? Impossible! I don't want anything that's lined or hoodless. I took to Etsy when my search turned up empty in every possible store I could think of in Houston. I found this monogrammed babe and instantly fell in love.

You can find this Lilly inspired rain jacket for $64 here.

9. Gold Sparkly Leggings. Every white girl on the planet just screamed at the top of her lungs. I'm dying to get my hands on a pair of these beauts. For a night on the town or just to dress up a simple top for coffee with your bestie, these leggings are exactly what we all need.

R&M Boutique only has a size medium left in stock for $28, but you can find these in many other online boutiques too.

10. A killer makeup brush collection along with the best mascara money can buy should be at the top of every sassy diva's list. I may be a little biased, but Younique has the best makeup brushes I've  ever used and the 3D Fiber Lash Mascara takes your lashes from average to WOW without extensions and it's all natural...win, win.

 3D Fiber Lash Mascara is $29.

The Complete Brush Collection is $110.

11. I've searched high and low for the perfect pair of dancing boots that are cute too. A few years ago, I bought my first pair of Corral's, and I've been obsessed since. They don't have a large selection of square toes (which I prefer), but the leather soles are absolutely wonderful on the dance floor.

For $296 you can be boot-scootin-boogyin in these square toed Corrals.

12. James Avery has to be one of my favorite jewelry stores, besides Tiffany's and David Yurman of course, however no 20-something should be wearing muli-thousand dollar ring on her hand unless it's her wedding ring. James Avery has the ring that our inner princess is dying for and I think the little crown is too adorable not to add to our jewelry collection.

James Avery's Crown Ring at $69 is one a princess can't pass up.

13. Whether you enjoy a good wine drunk every now and then or you're a lush, investing in a good wine aerator will change your opinion on the taste of wine completely. You don't have to spend a lot for a good one either. You can find a Vinturi for about $20. Texas locals can find them at HEB in the Cook & Grill department.

Vinturi Clear Red Wine Aerator

14. Invest in matching black, white, and nude lingerie sets along with a nightie. As a pre-professional or professional it's good to not be wearing a hot pink glittered thong and leopard bra in an important meeting or interview. And the nightie is good to have when you have guests over or you stay at someone else's house because you can't always sleep naked or be seen in your mismatched, stained pajamas (it's not very grown up). Catch Victoria's Secret during a semi-annual sale (during the 3 J months...January, June, and July), and you can make out like a bandit with all of these things. You might still spend over $100, but you will save a couple hundred and be totally worth it.

15. Last, but not least, you are an adult your home (kitchen) needs to reflect that. Onieda silverware and Corelle dishes should be a staple. You need stuff that will hold up without giving up your personality or breaking the bank. These are perfect gifts to ask for Christmas. What parents/grandparents wouldn't be more proud if you asked for something like this as a gift?!

This Corelle pattern is currently on sale for $63.99...originally $79.99.

Go celebrate my birthday month, and buy a few of these items for yourself...I know I am!! Something on your wish list that wasn't on mine? Comment below with those items...I love to discover new things I just might need!!

-XOXO

Puppy Days with Tarley

Justin found the best gift ever for Christmas. Well really it was a gift to each other, but that's besides the point. On Christmas day we picked up our 10 week old Australian Sheppard male. Justin voted to name him Tarley after dismissing all of my suggestions...and so he was deemed Tarley. If you watch Game of Thrones, you more than likely understand where the name comes from. However if you are much less of a nerd than Justin and you did not understand the reference it comes from Game of Thrones...Sam Tarley and the House of Tarley. 

He's going to be so big!!

The last 2 week has been crazy in our house with a new puppy. I have realized I am not ready for kids...I mean I already knew that, but this just confirmed everything. I have a really crazy work schedule most weeks that conflicts with Justin's equally crazy schedule. And this heathen child has made sleep next to impossible. I can take this fool to the park 3 times for an hour to 30 minutes each, and he still has enough energy to tear my apartment down to the beams and foundation. 

7am trip to the park, and Justin was still in bed. 

This dog is psychotic and insists that he is human. He is Justin's mini-me (they have the same dang eyes, I swear)! He loves his daddy. I am learning that he is not a fan of vehicles or automatic doors at stores. He flips out and runs the other way. He's adorable, and the little shit knows it. He thinks EVERYONE he meets should pet him. It is absolutely ridiculous. 

Looook at those eyes!!!!

Last night, Tarley peed in the house, and I told Justin it was his turn to deal with it. He got up took Tarley outside, showed him his accident on my floor, and patted him on the butt. Oy vey! I can already see what raising children is going to look like with this man. When I commented on it, his response was, "Did you see the way he was looking at me? He was letting me know that he already knew he was in trouble and he wouldn't do it again." Seriously?! I'm in big trouble with these two. 

My little family on New Year's Eve. And yes, Tarley is cheesin hard!! 

I'll keep y'all posted on all the happenings with Mr. Tarley in posts titled "Puppy Days with Tarley" since I am certain there will be some blog worthy happening with the little lunatic.

-XOXO

Social Media Strikes Again

This post is going to come as a surprise to many, and others...well you're just going to get it. One of my goals this year is to blog more, Facebook less. Wait, what? Don't I run my business mostly on Facebook? Yes, I do. And honestly if it wasn't for Younique, I would not have a Facebook right now.

I recognize it is 2015 and we are generation that literally lives our day to day lives through social media however when the majority of the population begins taking social media too far that is when I no longer have interest in it. Take for instance my previous post "I Will Always Judge Your Rock," was a rebuttal based a large group of ladies on my Facebook thread getting upset about an article that was meant more to be humerus and comical than to be pathetic or cruel. Now one could argue my rebuttal was me taking those ladies's rants too seriously, but I was taking those rants just as they were...RANTS...and providing some support to the writer of the cleaver article and the people who thought it was hilarious enough to repost. I mean I had 3 guys "like" that article on my page, it was obviously entertaining to them. The comments I got back on my blog weren't my favorites, and the old Niki would have taken to arguing with these girls in order to stand up for herself, deleted the blog post, or even apologized. Social media has forced us to be overly apologetic. And when I started this blog my main goal was to be ME, completely 100% me, no apologies, no lies, and a place for me to speak my mind...don't like it? Keep moving!

 The moment I realized I hated Facebook is the moment I had to delete every single family member from my page because a handful of them ruined it for everyone else. Half of my family is blocked, and the other half just thinks my page no longer exists. It's sad that it had to come to that, but when I started getting text messages about things I was posting or negative comments on a relatively positive post, I knew it was over. So I deleted my Facebook. It was gone for almost 6 magical months. Then I discovered Younique. But I knew I couldn't allow those people on my page in this new stage of my life. I also knew I could not pick and choose. It was all or no one...so no one it was. All because a handful of people couldn't handle understanding social media is meant as a platform for feelings, beliefs, life events, so on. Negativity had to ambush me and my posts almost daily.

Justin and I are friends of a couple that just got engaged. He hasn't been on Facebook for several months (a round of applause!) and she is a social media guru much like myself. He started his Facebook back up just after their engagement, but posted about how it was temporary and that after the Marine Corp Reunion in July, he would be deleting again, but they could add this joint account to keep up with him. She had already started a joint account for them and had been warning everyone she would be deleting her personal account soon and if anyone wanted to keep up with the two of them, they would need to add this new account. Well after seeing his post and reading some of the comments, I was intrigued. I opened his post more to read all of the comments and the negativity that showered this poor guy/couple was unreal. People assuming that these two don't think they can be individuals any longer now that they are engaged, trust issues, you name it...it was there. But what it really comes down to is she is on social media all the time, she is always connected much like my self, and he is like Justin and literally couldn't give two shits about social media, especially Facebook, but he uses it to keep in contact with the guys from the corp mostly. However the way we have begun to view social media is just like those people commented...a joint account signifies to most people distrust or disloyalty or a couple's inability to continue seeing themselves as individuals once them commit their lives to one another.

I love social media. I enjoy being connected and to freely voice myself, to network with total strangers, and view the world differently, but it is a struggle for me to desire staying connected when people are total Debbie Downers about everything they see on Facebook or on social media in general. The moment we begin to be constantly angered, upset, or start arguments on these different platforms is the moment it no longer is a fun way to sound off or keep up with our buddies. 

I added a few social media "memes" I felt we would all enjoy!

-XOXO

#FlushingMyFears

This morning a post a Facebook struck a cord with me. Britnie Kaplan is a fellow Younique presenter and an amazing trainer. Although we have never met, we are Facebook friends because mostly I'm obsessed with her and her business. This girl is a total rock star, gorgeous, talented, I mean seriously the list could go on forever. She always posting such inspiring things, and this morning was one of those inspiring posts. She challenged everyone to flush their fears with her.

You're are looking at me like I'm stupid right now wondering what the heck I mean by that...She wrote all of her fears on a piece of paper, tore it into shreds, tossed them in her toilet, and flushed them away. At first, I thought okay this is really cool, but is anyone going to do it with her? Why would I even ask that question, I have no idea. Get on your choice of social media platform whether it's Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter and search #FlushingMyFears...it brought me to tears. So naturally I had to join in on this excitement in my own way...

Last week, I made a list of my goals for my business and what it would take to get me there. I started Younique because Justin and I needed the extra flow of money without the requirement of an actual 2nd job. I sold Mary Kay before and gave up because I didn't do well with it so my past was already against me. When I sat down to draw up my goals last week, I was desperate for change. I've been selling enough each month to barely keep me active. Therefore the money I make is not even close to what I want for Justin and I. I knew what I needed to do. Since the moment I started this business, my fear has been that I will never meet my goals with it and that I will just fall out of it like I did with Mary Kay. I just want to make money to get Justin and I out of debt and keep us from living pay check to pay check every single week.

The next 5 kind of all go together. I have been battling staying motivated all of 2014. I don't follow through on anything, keep my house clean, eat right, work out, ect. I'd rather continue gaining weight then go for a jog or eat a salad, and we all know how much I loved my skinny, toned high school body. I don't want to cook for Justin and I ever and cleaning the kitchen afterwards is a whole other story. I am terrified I will never regain my motivation and that I will remain content getting plump and living a mediocre life. And due to a lack of motivation, I have become a procrastinator. I've dropped out of college twice now because I procrastinated so much on school work. I procrastinate everything to the point that I flat out forget what I am supposed to be doing. And honestly procrastination is running my life. I have this fear of not being good enough. I am constantly worried that I will never be good enough to/for anyone because frankly I can't even live up to my own standards so how can I please anyone else?  I want to be this incredible athlete and student that I once was but I can't stay motivated long enough to do either so I just procrastinate until the next day. And any time I feel like things are finally going my way, I get excited about something, I get my HOPES up about something, it usually goes to crap. I got the pleasure of watching myself lose hope in so many things this past year. Mostly because after 23 years of watching almost everything go wrong that I had hoped for, I was tired of wishing for things...hoping for things. This led to my ultimate demise over the summer when my battle with depression became a front runner in my life. I am terrified I will always have to live fearing the worst in myself.

And this might be the toughest one for me to admit...I'm scared of not being capable of fully trusting the people I surround myself with. After a few relationships that were full of secrets, never knowing if I can believe anything that comes out of my dad's mouth, and having friends run behind me telling people things over and over again, trust is my weakest point. I fight the urge every single day to not trust everything Justin says to me. He has never given me a reason to not trust him, but at my past haunts me and reminds me how many times before I had trusted others who weren't trustworthy. How difficult is that to live with everyday...let me tell you, incredibly.

(Side note don't pay too close of attention to my toilet...we do live in apartment and they aren't always known for the nicest amenities.)

So today I took my fears and flushed them. Today I start living a life that is not restrained by fear. And I hope I am able to keep this up past today.

-XOXO

Closure in 2014

In light of everyone being nostalgic and sentimental about 2014, I thought I'd do the same. 2013 was a rough year for me, and in some aspects 2014 was even rougher, but I have absolute faith 2015 is going to rock my socks off. So here is my closing adieu for 2014:

As I am swiftly approaching my 24th year, I have had to come to terms with the fact that my outline for my life has not gone as planned. As a kid, I'd assumed I'd meet my future husband in college, by the age of 22 I'd be engaged, and sometime around my graduation from Grad school at 24 I would be marrying this fratty Southern gent I envisioned. In 2014, I was forced to seek closure in the fact that I won't even be applying for Grad school by my 24th birthday, but rather applying for University of Houston to finally complete my undergrad. Most days, I am so over joyed with how happy I am with my life currently, that my life outline is not even a thought in my mind, but there have been days when that has been my only thought. I have been cruel to myself with name calling and judgement and disapproval for not having my life together by now. Closure has brought me consistent happiness though. This month, I forced myself to no longer judge my life based on outline that 15 year old me drew up for myself because there has been so many roadblocks, turns, pit stops, and necessary detours I have had to make along the way, that I could not have ever predicted.

In 2013, I let go of a love that the flame had long since burned out on, and found myself lighting flame to a new candle. And in 2014, we have proved our love to each other, ourselves, and the world over and over again. I'm certain that I would not be entering 2015 with such high spirits or open arms without Justin by my side. He reminds me daily that I am so much more than I give myself credit, that love isn't easy but it is totally worth working for, and that life is not some predetermined outline from my 15 year old self, but it's what I make of it every moment of every day. He took me in when I was certain I had just blown up my life, encouraged me when I was fighting the urge to thrown in the towel, held my hand when I finally found the strength to stand up for myself, and helped me become stronger, more independent, and fiercer than I have ever been. The man is the purest definition of unconditional love if I have ever seen one. I am blessed to be able to call him mine.

Justin and I at Thanksgiving with his grandparents this year. 

My faith and religion has desperately been a struggle point for me this year. With all that I had been through in 2013 and the beginning of 2014, it was almost expected. For years, I clung to this idea of God, faith, and religion that had been forced down my throat since the day I first breathed. Then at some point, I began using religion as a way to have something in common with other or to please others. My faith was selfish and unworthy. I find myself today completely confused in what it is I believe as far as my religion goes, but much more in love with The Lord and more honest with Him and myself that I have been in years. I'm not as religious as I have been in the past, but I am working on rebuilding a very broken and distressed relationship with my Savior. For that I am grateful for his constant forgiveness and love for me.

My two favorite guys, Loneliness and Depression, paid me a very interesting visit this year. They encouraged me to binge drink, lose motivation, find misery in every situation, and even briefly consider self-harm. They pushed me further than they ever had before. I battled them to their demise however. Every now and then they attempt to visit, but I am more powerful than them for once and they soon slip back into the shadows.

Last, but not least, I have learned more than ever about relationships. I have ended some, began many, restarted a few, maintained most, and even worked construction on a couple. I have learned when to say no, when to apologize and when not to, how to love, how to fight, and most of all why they are so important. I cannot thank everyone who has been apart of my life in 2014 enough, even if we called a truce and walked away from one another, I assure you each of you impacted my life dramatically this year.

Mom and I enjoying some final moments together on the boat just before my move to Houston. 

Dana, RE, and I at Tara's wedding in November acting fools as usual. 

2015 is already looking better from where I am standing. Justin and I already have a lot of exciting plans, and a girl can always use a fresh start. I just hope 2015 is ready for ME!

-XOXO

I Will Always Judge Your Rock

So there is this hilarious article going around Facebook right now about 4 ways girls judge their friends on Facebook when they get engaged. It is insanely comical in my opinion. Now I have seen 4 girls who are married or engaged ranting about it on Facebook so here's my rebuttle...

1.) I'm not judging because I'm jealous. I am perfectly happy withmy relationship. I love where we are at. I do not wish for it to move any faster then is necessary, and I am comfortable with the outlooks on my future with Justin. 

2.) I do not wish unhappiness upon anyone's engagement or marriage. However, I will judge the cliché of how your boyfriend proposed, the annoying fact you got engaged over a holiday so that your boyfriend could get out of getting you a gift, and your rock. I will ALWAYS judge a girl's rock. 

3.) You may be engaged or married now, but you cannot tell me as a fellow female you have not say back and judged your friends' engagements while being exceptionally happy for them. As females we are wired to do so. And it's not so much judging as it is analyzing. After watching many of my friends get engaged and married, I now know the dos and don'ts of what I want for my future special days. 

So before you get your panties in a wad, remember where you were before the man of your dreams proposed...sitting right beside me, judging and stalking. It's an art, ladies. That we have all mastered. I'm not wishing horrible things upon your happiness, loathing you for achieving said happiness, nor am I jealous. I'm just doing what ever unwed/unengaged female does...judging your engagement. I wish you all the best and I congratulate you with all of the sincerity in the world   Now go enjoy your fiancé or husband while I enjoy my incredible boyfriend knowing that the article was more for comedic relief than seriousness. 

-XOXO