What Happiness Looks Like Now That I'm Diagnosed

So as most everyone knows by now I was diagnosed with mild depressive disorder in July. After fighting to hide this from everyone in my life until my world spun completely out of control, I finally agreed to seek help. Now on my second round of medicine, life looks a little differently then it did 3 months ago when everything got so bad.

I think I've gone through nearly every phase. Anger. Consistently overwhelmed. Mood swings like you've never seen a mood swing. Sadness. And not just sadness where I was crying all the time, there was that too, but true indescribable sadness. I even at one point had thought of harming myself. I never did, but those were my darkest moments. I no longer smiled without faking it. Laughter was difficult. It was almost painful. And I felt like I was standing outside of my body watching my entire life spin completely out of control, gaining momentum rapidly. It was absolutely frightening. So one night, after I was on my second bottle of wine, on my third cry-fest for no damn reason, at home alone for the second night that week because mine and Justin's schedules were conflicting, and I had only been home for a little over an hour, I realized I could no longer pretend that I was in control.

So after multiple doctor's visits, having to admit to my family, friends, managers, and co-workers that I was very, very far from okay, I began to find hope. Then I lost it shortly there after when the first round of medicine didn't work the way I hoped. But this second round of medicine has made a difference. The migraines come less frequently, the endless crying fits over nothing is simmering, laughter is painless, and I no longer feel like I'm not in control.

 Happiness is an adjective I can use to describe my life. I found my motivation to begin working out again and start losing the weight I put on during my period of self-loathing. I want to clean house, and go out with my boyfriend. Even though I've gained weight and most of my clothes font fit me well, I think I am pretty again and I rock my body. My confidence is back. As Justin jokingly says, "The BITCH is back!" I'm sassy and fiercer than I have ever been. Life looks great from where I'm standing.

This is fight is not over though. It will never be over. I will fight my entire life to remain in control, and I don't want medicines to be to be the only way I remain in control. At some point, I would love to come off of them, just not yet. You will have a hard time knocking me down right now. I'm high on life, and feeling bold. I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not anymore, and the amount of energy that provides me each day is so fulfilling. I am truly blessed to be in control and happy once again.

-XOXO