You're are looking at me like I'm stupid right now wondering what the heck I mean by that...She wrote all of her fears on a piece of paper, tore it into shreds, tossed them in her toilet, and flushed them away. At first, I thought okay this is really cool, but is anyone going to do it with her? Why would I even ask that question, I have no idea. Get on your choice of social media platform whether it's Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter and search #FlushingMyFears...it brought me to tears. So naturally I had to join in on this excitement in my own way...
Last week, I made a list of my goals for my business and what it would take to get me there. I started Younique because Justin and I needed the extra flow of money without the requirement of an actual 2nd job. I sold Mary Kay before and gave up because I didn't do well with it so my past was already against me. When I sat down to draw up my goals last week, I was desperate for change. I've been selling enough each month to barely keep me active. Therefore the money I make is not even close to what I want for Justin and I. I knew what I needed to do. Since the moment I started this business, my fear has been that I will never meet my goals with it and that I will just fall out of it like I did with Mary Kay. I just want to make money to get Justin and I out of debt and keep us from living pay check to pay check every single week.
The next 5 kind of all go together. I have been battling staying motivated all of 2014. I don't follow through on anything, keep my house clean, eat right, work out, ect. I'd rather continue gaining weight then go for a jog or eat a salad, and we all know how much I loved my skinny, toned high school body. I don't want to cook for Justin and I ever and cleaning the kitchen afterwards is a whole other story. I am terrified I will never regain my motivation and that I will remain content getting plump and living a mediocre life. And due to a lack of motivation, I have become a procrastinator. I've dropped out of college twice now because I procrastinated so much on school work. I procrastinate everything to the point that I flat out forget what I am supposed to be doing. And honestly procrastination is running my life. I have this fear of not being good enough. I am constantly worried that I will never be good enough to/for anyone because frankly I can't even live up to my own standards so how can I please anyone else? I want to be this incredible athlete and student that I once was but I can't stay motivated long enough to do either so I just procrastinate until the next day. And any time I feel like things are finally going my way, I get excited about something, I get my HOPES up about something, it usually goes to crap. I got the pleasure of watching myself lose hope in so many things this past year. Mostly because after 23 years of watching almost everything go wrong that I had hoped for, I was tired of wishing for things...hoping for things. This led to my ultimate demise over the summer when my battle with depression became a front runner in my life. I am terrified I will always have to live fearing the worst in myself.
And this might be the toughest one for me to admit...I'm scared of not being capable of fully trusting the people I surround myself with. After a few relationships that were full of secrets, never knowing if I can believe anything that comes out of my dad's mouth, and having friends run behind me telling people things over and over again, trust is my weakest point. I fight the urge every single day to not trust everything Justin says to me. He has never given me a reason to not trust him, but at my past haunts me and reminds me how many times before I had trusted others who weren't trustworthy. How difficult is that to live with everyday...let me tell you, incredibly.
So today I took my fears and flushed them. Today I start living a life that is not restrained by fear. And I hope I am able to keep this up past today.
-XOXO
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