As I am swiftly approaching my 24th year, I have had to come to terms with the fact that my outline for my life has not gone as planned. As a kid, I'd assumed I'd meet my future husband in college, by the age of 22 I'd be engaged, and sometime around my graduation from Grad school at 24 I would be marrying this fratty Southern gent I envisioned. In 2014, I was forced to seek closure in the fact that I won't even be applying for Grad school by my 24th birthday, but rather applying for University of Houston to finally complete my undergrad. Most days, I am so over joyed with how happy I am with my life currently, that my life outline is not even a thought in my mind, but there have been days when that has been my only thought. I have been cruel to myself with name calling and judgement and disapproval for not having my life together by now. Closure has brought me consistent happiness though. This month, I forced myself to no longer judge my life based on outline that 15 year old me drew up for myself because there has been so many roadblocks, turns, pit stops, and necessary detours I have had to make along the way, that I could not have ever predicted.
In 2013, I let go of a love that the flame had long since burned out on, and found myself lighting flame to a new candle. And in 2014, we have proved our love to each other, ourselves, and the world over and over again. I'm certain that I would not be entering 2015 with such high spirits or open arms without Justin by my side. He reminds me daily that I am so much more than I give myself credit, that love isn't easy but it is totally worth working for, and that life is not some predetermined outline from my 15 year old self, but it's what I make of it every moment of every day. He took me in when I was certain I had just blown up my life, encouraged me when I was fighting the urge to thrown in the towel, held my hand when I finally found the strength to stand up for myself, and helped me become stronger, more independent, and fiercer than I have ever been. The man is the purest definition of unconditional love if I have ever seen one. I am blessed to be able to call him mine.
Justin and I at Thanksgiving with his grandparents this year.
My faith and religion has desperately been a struggle point for me this year. With all that I had been through in 2013 and the beginning of 2014, it was almost expected. For years, I clung to this idea of God, faith, and religion that had been forced down my throat since the day I first breathed. Then at some point, I began using religion as a way to have something in common with other or to please others. My faith was selfish and unworthy. I find myself today completely confused in what it is I believe as far as my religion goes, but much more in love with The Lord and more honest with Him and myself that I have been in years. I'm not as religious as I have been in the past, but I am working on rebuilding a very broken and distressed relationship with my Savior. For that I am grateful for his constant forgiveness and love for me.
My two favorite guys, Loneliness and Depression, paid me a very interesting visit this year. They encouraged me to binge drink, lose motivation, find misery in every situation, and even briefly consider self-harm. They pushed me further than they ever had before. I battled them to their demise however. Every now and then they attempt to visit, but I am more powerful than them for once and they soon slip back into the shadows.
Last, but not least, I have learned more than ever about relationships. I have ended some, began many, restarted a few, maintained most, and even worked construction on a couple. I have learned when to say no, when to apologize and when not to, how to love, how to fight, and most of all why they are so important. I cannot thank everyone who has been apart of my life in 2014 enough, even if we called a truce and walked away from one another, I assure you each of you impacted my life dramatically this year.
Mom and I enjoying some final moments together on the boat just before my move to Houston.
2015 is already looking better from where I am standing. Justin and I already have a lot of exciting plans, and a girl can always use a fresh start. I just hope 2015 is ready for ME!
-XOXO
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