In Honor of my Guardian Angel

Wow! The last 2 days have been a roller coaster of emotions for me. Yesterday started out great. I was laughing, having fun, making the most out of the day just as Grandma would have wanted from me on the anniversary of her passing. Then suddenly out of nowhere it hit me like a ton of bricks while I was at work. On my drive home at 1:45 this morning. I cried and screamed and cussed and got angry and filled my heart with regret and cried and screamed and beat my steering wheel. I came home and laid on my couch for 30-45 minutes crying so I wouldn't disturb Justin. I finally went to bed when I felt that my crying was manageable enough to not wake him. I woke up with Justin this morning and started a fight with him. He left with both of us pissed off which helped me push aside what was really on my chest, until I was almost done cleaning my bathroom. And the tears started again. I retreated back to my bed only 2 hours after being up and stayed there until around 4 this afternoon.

Now all I can think about is how selfish I have been. My grandmother was an extremely selfless, humble, caring woman. I wanted, still want, to be just like her. If I ever met a more perfect, well mannered, Christian person it was she. She was completely devoted to The Lord, her husband, and her family. She has 5 boys, 13 grandchildren, and 7 great-grandchildren whom she prayed for constantly, loved unconditionally, and missed tremendously.

Growing up, I don't remember a time when my grandmother was ever in good health. She was always on a ridiculous amount of pills, was consistently seeing doctors, overweight, smoked when I was young, and didn't exercise. My grandfather being the insanely devoted husband that he is took such great care for her. I remember going to the hospital last year just before her passing and thinking to myself, "WOW! What a love that must be!" There love story is like something out of a Nicholas Sparks book. It's the fairy tale I've always dreamed of. Everyone complains that country music, Disney movies, and Nicholas Sparks give girls high expectations for a husband and marriage, but for me...it was watching my grandparent's love for 22 years, and my grandfather's devotion still 1 year later.

I would tell their love story, but I will mess it up somehow, some way, so I will share the few things I know for a fact. My grandfather was in the air force and based in Waco (where TSTC is now). He saw my grandmother once and thought, "I'm going to marry that girl one day." (Literally, I kid you not.) She was dating a friend of his so my grandfather asked permission from her friend to ask my grandmother out. She said yes reluctantly. After just THREE dates, my grandfather asked my grandmother to marry him. She was not so convinced, but her mother was! I think they had 12 dates before they were wed. And 60 some odd years of love and commitment was the only fairy tale I've really ever needed.

She was a beautiful woman in her prime. Oh gosh, she could have been a model had she wanted, I truly believe that. She was absolutely gorgeous. But as one can imagine, raising 5 boys, being married to a fireman, while being a housewife got the best of her health which in turn got the best of her appearance. That never changed my grandfather's affection for her though. He loved her through it all. To her very last moment, when he had the incredible staff at Hilcrest fighting to save her for over 30 minutes. That next morning is still a bit of a blur to me. Waking up to missed calls, screaming and crying coming from the other end of the phone, my race home from Temple, and my entrance into my grandparents house where everyone sat silently as my grandfather stared into space, and my desperate attempts to bring my dad home in time for the funeral.

In the days leading up the funeral we reminisced all the good times, laughter, and joy we shared with my grandmother. She was crazy and funny and we loved her. A year later, I find myself fighting to hold onto her memory, regretting not going to the hospital the night of her passing as I had promised her, and clinging to everything she was as a human. I am truly blessed to have had the pleasure of such a wonderful human being my Grandma.

XOXO-